The Fear of Being Found a Fraud

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My friend Brian asked me yesterday what my biggest fear might be, and the first fear that came out of my mouth was: “The fear that people will discover I’m a fraud.”

The truth is, this fear isn’t something I think about a lot, but it’s often present in the background of my mind, unnoticed but working its dark magic on me. Lots of fears work this way, and until we say them aloud, they have a power over us. Once we say them out loud, really bring them out in the light of day, and give them some thought, we take away their power.

How might I be found a fraud? Lots of ways:

  • Because I blog about habits, and mindfulness, and simplicity and minimalism, people have certain ideas about who I am. This picture in people’s heads isn’t true, of course, because the reality is never the same as the fantasy. What if you find out I’m not what you think I am?
  • People might think I’m amazing at forming habits, and while it’s true I’ve found some pretty good success over the years, much of the time I still struggle, and still fail. Habits aren’t just a skill you learn and then all of a sudden, you can flip a switch for any habit you want to create. You have to constantly remotivate yourself, constantly check your urges to quit, constantly analyze what’s working and how to overcome the obstacles that come up. Each habit is different, and yet they’re all the same in this way.
  • I put myself forward as a minimalist, but I’m not nearly as extreme a minimalist as others. I’m OK with that, because for me minimalism is a philosophy, not a competition. It’s a check against the urges and consumerist tendencies of our modern consumerist lives. So yes, I might have less than the average person, but I still buy stuff regularly, and I worry people will judge me for that.
  • I’m a fairly successful blogger by most standards, and so people might think I have it all figured out. I don’t. I’m still figuring things out. I still have nervousness, with every post, that I’ll be judged and thought stupid. This has gotten less true as I’ve come to know my audience and trust that you’re a very positive, supportive group, but honestly it still happens. For example, someone attacked me on Twitter a couple days ago for my post on a Healthful Vegan Diet. Apparently, I don’t know anything! And I accept this as true.
  • I’m a husband and father of six, and I do my best, but while others might see my family life and think I’m an amazing dad and husband, the truth is I don’t always know what I’m doing, I get mad at my kids, I fight with my wife on a regular basis, I fail often. I do my best, but I fall short all the time.

This comes down to one thing: my imagining of the expectations others might have of me, and my fear that I won’t meet those expectations.

And the honest truth is, I won’t meet those expectations.

So here’s what I do.

I realize that I can’t meet the fantasies of others.

I try to be honest, and not just present a façade. This post is an attempt to do that, as was my failure post. If others have a fantasy of me, perhaps I can make that fantasy more like reality.

I try to be myself, which is really the best I can do. If I’m authentic, I can’t be a fraud, because I’m just being who I am. Of course, I’m always trying to figure out who that self is, and the self is constantly changing, so it’s an interesting endeavor.

I realize I’m still learning, am never “perfect”, and will always be learning. That’s all I can hope for.

I ask myself, “What would happen if the fear came true?” And the truth is, even if I were found to be a fraud by everyone I know and many I don’t, I would be OK. My life would go on. I might need to find another job, but I think I’d be OK sweeping floors or chopping vegetables (both activities I enjoy, btw).

I smile, and give thanks that I’ve been given the chance to write, to share, to connect, to help in some small way. That’s an amazing gift, and I won’t let the scared little child in me ruin it with its complaints.

So thank you, my friends. I’m happy to be here.

The Fear of Being Found a Fraud was originally posted on Zen Habits on 8/8/13.

The Frustratingly Slow Pace of Making Changes

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‘The trees that are slow to grow bear the best fruit.’ ~Moliere

There’s something in all of us that seems to want the changes we’re trying to make in our lives come as soon as possible.

If we’re trying to lose weight, we want those abs to show up within a week or two. If we’re building muscle we want to look like Hugh Jackman in a month. If we’re learning to meditate we want to master that in a week.

But none of that happens. What I’ve learned through repeated habit changes is that change comes much slower than we ever imagine.

How long does it take to find your abs? Well, they’re in there, but depending on where you start, it can take months or even years. Probably more than 6 months unless you’re already pretty close. That’s a long time to stick to a diet.

How long does it take to become a good writer? Years of practice. (I’m hoping to get there soon.)

How long does it take to learn programming? I have no idea, but I spent months learning and I still couldn’t make a real webapp.

When we start a change, we have an idea of how that will turn out — a fantasy in our heads, perhaps with a short timeline and a perfect result and an increase in happiness.

But that’s only a fantasy. It never happens as quickly as we’d like, we’re never perfect at it, and we tend to be mostly as happy as before.

So given that reality, how do we make long-term changes? How can you stick to writing or meditating or exercising for months on end, for years, to see the amazing results you’d really like to see?

Give up on the results. Instead focus on the step in front of you.

Give up on the fantasy. Instead be curious about what it’s really like when you try it.

Don’t be motivated by achieving the ideal. Be motivated by compassion for yourself and helping others.

Don’t be caught up in quick results. Savor the slow change.

Forget about the happiness of the outcome. Instead find happiness in the learning.

Don’t worry about perfect execution. The entire point is to learn about yourself.

And you will learn about yourself. You will have slow change. You will help yourself and others through this change. You will find out what it’s really like when you put in the effort. You will find happiness in each step, in the learning you experience along the way.

Change is worth the effort, and the results aren’t what you fantasize about — they’re much better, if you pay attention.

‘Perfection is attained by slow degrees; it requires the hand of time.’ ~Voltaire

The Frustratingly Slow Pace of Making Changes was originally posted on Zen Habits on 6/6/14.

The Incredible Importance of Sleep for Habits & Motivation

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For a long time, I underestimated the importance of sleep.

Sure, I know that sleep is important for health and happiness and all of that … but it wasn’t until I learned two things that sleep took on a new importance for me:

  1. If you don’t get enough sleep, you will fail at changing habits; and
  2. If you have a lack of sleep, your motivation will drop tremendously.

For years I focused on waking early so that I’d be more productive and be able to focus on my morning habits. But those two things were harmed by a lack of sleep.

I could cite a bunch of studies and numbers, but here’s the honest truth: based on my own self-experiments, and working with thousands of people on habits, sleep is one of the most important but least valued factors when it comes to creating habits.

And in my own life, I’ve noticed that when sleep levels drop, my productivity drops. My motivation to work on hard projects drops.

Here’s what happens:

  • I stay up late but still try to get up early, and so I’m in a bit of a sleep deficit.
  • Unfortunately, I stay up late the next night, but still get up early the following morning, and the sleep deficit grows.
  • This continues until I’m really tired and just not motivated to do anything.
  • This lack of motivation drops my discipline levels, so that my healthy habits get forgotten. All I care about is how crappy I feel, and how to comfort my bad feelings.
  • Whatever project and/or habits I’ve been working on get dropped. I feel worse.

This pattern continues until I get enough sleep. It takes a day or two to get back to where I should be.

I still do this from time to time, but I’ve learned this pattern the hard way from so many repetitions that I’m much better at getting sufficient sleep these days. And I’ve gotten better at recognizing the signals that I’m not getting enough sleep, soon enough that I can remedy the problem sooner.

How to Get Better Sleep

I’m not an expert on sleep, but here’s what I find to work for me:

  • Go to bed earlier. I like to wake up fairly early (not the crazy early hours of my past), but if I don’t go to sleep earlier, then waking early is a mistake.
  • Sleep in if I don’t go to bed early enough.
  • Have a bedtime routine. I don’t always follow my routine, but when I do, I sleep much better. Basically, it involves flossing, brushing my teeth, cleaning up, shutting down my computer/phone, and then reading.
  • Meditate. I lie down with my eyes closed, and meditate, focusing on my body and breath. If I’m tired, this never fails to put me to sleep.

If for some reason those things don’t work, I use this method (walk myself through my memories of the day in detail) to finally fall into the gentle embrace of sleep.

If you find yourself lacking motivation or having trouble changing any habits, check your sleep levels. It could be the factor that’s holding you back.

 The Incredible Importance of Sleep for Habits & Motivation was originally posted on Zen Habits on 2/10/14.